Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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