ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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