Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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