I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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