I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
