Pants 0. Shit 1.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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