Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
