he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the room spins SO much faster in panama
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
