new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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