I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
