just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Everyone says I win the strip club
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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