yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
