he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
