Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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