Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
