Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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