i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
