I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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