I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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