Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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