You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
