i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
