He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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