Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
