hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
