please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
