Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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