so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
