if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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