I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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