Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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