To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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