The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
