I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
foreskin is a definite game changer
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
