I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
