What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
