bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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