Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Someone signed my nipple.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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