before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
