I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
