Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
