If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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