So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
