So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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