my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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