hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
