i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Even my vagina gasped.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
