i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
