So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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