**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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