my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
