I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
